I miss you, though you’re just barely gone.

I don’t think there’s been a single moment since I left Rankin that I longed to be back.

Until tonite. And now, all I want is to get on the first plane up there. All I want is to hug my friends. Curl up on their government-issue couch. And bawl.

One of my very close friends from Rankin Inlet killed himself this evening.

For some reason, seeing those words get tapped out by fingers that can only be my own (but don’t feel it), makes it seem even more real. I think I’m still in denial. When Jeff (the ex) sent me that email to call him at home ASAP, I almost rolled my eyes.

And when Jeff told me he was dead, a little piece of me died too.

I keep going back to his facebook profile. It’s still the same. I still see his face smiling back at me from what I believe is a grove of tea trees. I still see who he’s befriended in the past couple of days. Still see the vacation photos posted on his wall.

I don’t know what I was expecting. Maybe a “deceased” stamp across his chest.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t know where to start. Part of me is just so heartbroken, just so sad that this happened. Just so devastated that this person is gone from my life forever.

But that’s just the beginning. Because really, the more I think about it, the more I just don’t understand. And the more I boil with anger.

Why whywhywhYWHYWNHWYWHYW!!!!?!?!

WHY!?

I’ve BEEN depressed. I’ve DEALT with demons. THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY. And I just… I just don’t understand how you do this to the ones you love. Your fiancé. Your child.

You’re gone. They remain. And THEY are the ones that have to deal with the consequences of YOUR actions. And it will always, ALWAYS haunt them.

But the truth is, underneath all the anger is just plain old despair. You were so good to me. So kind. So understanding. So helpful. You opened up a part of the world for me, and I’ll forever love you for it.

I miss you so much.

Even though you’re just barely gone.

Advertisements

15 Responses to “I miss you, though you’re just barely gone.”

  1. Kara Says:

    How sad Jackie. My heart goes out to you and those affected.

  2. Megan Says:

    I’m very sorry for your loss.

  3. lhunter Says:

    yOU SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME

  4. Jackie S. Quire Says:

    Thanks guys. Your comments make me feel not so alone way over here…

  5. lhunter Says:

    when i read it was all Jeff no name was mentionedi had to read twice then i phoned Jeff I met the same man as You knew SoSo sorry for his family and friends Life is a battle in the North we al know that

    • Jackie S. Quire Says:

      And of course, your worried mind assumes the worst… I understand. He will be very very dearly missed.

  6. Fawn Says:

    Aww, honey, I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.

  7. Kat Says:

    Awww, Jackie I’m so sorry. 😦

  8. Clare Says:

    Jackie, I wish there was something I could say that would help, but know that there isn’t. Probably one of the worse things about someone taking their own lives is that it hurts the people that care about them the most, the most. Probably the second is that we’re left with that bit question “Why?” and for most of us it is a question that can never be answered adequately. The sad thing is that friends and love ones will beat themselves up, asking why, and wondering if there was something they could have done to help or prevent it, all for the choice that was beyond our control.

    My sympathies, deepest sympathies.

  9. geri Says:

    Hi Jackie…
    This happened to a friend of mine the year after we graduated gr. 12 together….I AM so, so sorry…I understand….I couldn’t comprehend at the time, but as the months passed, I grew to accept it….you will as well , but for now, your pain will be very painful.
    Sending Hugs,
    Geri

  10. Mongoose Says:

    !!! I’m sorry for your loss. 😦

  11. tuesy Says:

    I’m so very sorry for your loss.

  12. Renée Says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss Jackie. My cousin committed suicide when he was 19 and I have never recovered from it fully. I understand the anger and pain. I won’t go away but it will get easier.

    Take care xo

  13. On friends « Says:

    […] In other news, this week is the one-year anniversary of Paul’s death. […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: