“I’m going to take the conveyor belt of love very seriously”

I started a blog post tearing to shreds this new show on ABC called “Conveyor Belt of Love.” But then I got bored of my own ranting and decided instead to post a synopsis of the show and its first two contestants.

This allows me to both watch the show AND mock it AT THE SAME TIME. I’m multi-tasking, people.

Synopsis: Five insufferably beautiful women in cocktail dresses sit on pedestals (coincidence? I think not) as male specimens are trucked out on a (you guessed it) conveyor belt – much like you’d find at the airport. But instead of playing “let’s find the luggage” these ladies are playing a much more exploitive and RIDICULOUS game. They wave oversized auction paddles with the words “not interested” and “interested” taped to the front and back.

To give you an idea of how this works, observe what happened when the first two guys who were unceremoniously wheeled out on the conveyor belt.

Conveyor belt starts. Guy 1 is wheeled out on the stage

(Girl1) “Oh I hope he’s fabulous *giggle*”

We learn his name is ALEX, 25.

(ALEX25) “Oh my god, how am I going to focus? You guys are beautiful. My name is Alex. I’m 25 years old. I still live at home….

(ALL 5 GIRLS HOLD UP THEIR AUCTION PADDLES AND CHIME) “Not Interested!”

(ALEX25) “Wha? Wha??? (as he is slid off-stage by the conveyor)

(Girl5) ” ‘I live with my parents’ is not the first thing you should say to a girl you just met”

(ALEX25) “What-ever” (as he disappears from view)

Guy 2 is wheeled out on stage (music follows him – we see he’s playing a ukulele AND singing – of course)

(All girls) “Oo! Oooo!! OOOOOoooOOO!! *giggle* Oh! Eeee!”

(AKONI23) *singing* “Hey miss, how you doing’ I just wanted you to know I’m in the mooood for looooove” *strummystrumstrum*

(All girls)*Applause* “Oooo! That was fantastic!”

(AKONI23) “Aloha my name is Akoni. I’ve been single for about a year now. So I’m lookin’ for like a solid chick who can sweep me off my feet….”

(Girl3 who looks like she’s from that show Jersey Shore) Akoni, is that a Hawaiian name? Do you surf in Ha-wa-ii? How old are you?

(Girl1) “Take your whole shirt off!” (as compared to half his shirt)

NOTE: THE CONVEYOR BELT HAS NOW STOPPED TO ALLOW AKONI TO SAFELY STRIP.

(All Girls) “OOOOHHHHHHHHHH”

(Girl1 – undressing what’s left of the poor man with her beady little eyes) “I’m interested”

(Girl 2) *waves “not interested” sign*

(Girl 3) “Well I think he’s cute, so I’m interested!”

(Girl 4) “Not interested. I don’t like bare feet”

(Girl 5) “I can’t pick anyone younger than me. I have to be the baby”

NOW BEGINS A VERY SPECIAL PROCESS!!! Because now we have the part of the show – the only and only part of the show – where the GUYS get to be something other than slabs of meat.

If there is ever more than one girl interested in one of the conveyor-belt prospects, there’s a FACE OFF. And the poor guy has to pick between one of his two suitors.

(AKONI23) Whoa, uh, the tables have turned a little bit. So uh, what’s your ideal guy?

(Girl 3) Strong. Silent. Tight, I guess. (My Jersey Shore reference wasn’t that far off it seems…)

(AKONI23) All right. I’m going to take you up on that. What’s your name?

(Girl 3) Dalet. So go to my box over there.

(AKONI23) (to other girl) Sorry.

(Girl 1) That’s alright. There’s like 30 more other guys.

And the process continues. For a full hour.

Other hilights included:

• A poet with a lisp reciting his plans for milk baths with the ladies (0 dates)
• Guy in a speedo and his dog that had two personalities (“Princess in the day time, Rambo at night”) (1 DATE!!)
• Nunchuck rapping dude (0 dates)
• “First thing you should know about me I like to date in the Cougar Bracket … that’s over 32” (0 dates)
• The 31 year old balloon-animal-making virgin (1 DATE!)
• The self-proclaimed Filipino Criss Angel (0 Dates)
• Native-pride dude out in full-feathers (0 Dates)
• Pro figure skater/fashion designer most closeted guy ever (0 Dates)

And because I know the above is going to leave you wanting more… the trailer to this true gem of winter premieres. Enjoy!