Them grapes are SOUR

Mom, Dad, and all family who read this: this is a VENT. I’m not suicidal, I’m not permanently seriously hateful of people who have good lives. I am aware that I too have it pretty good. But sometimes I need to vent. This is one of those times.

I should be a in a good mood right now. I just spent the past week and a half on a beach in Quebec. No worries, no cares. No problems. And no internet.

And while I was jonsin’ for a connection while I was gone, I’m thinking maybe it was for the best. The moment I got back online, I was filled with bitterness for everyone around me. Everyone else who seems to be so much better off than I am. So much happier.

If I were a ‘bigger’ person, I wouldn’t think twice about any of this. But I’m not, I guess.

I am so sick of everyone’s life going so well. I’m so sick of the engagements, the weddings, the pregancies, the first houses, the new jobs, the dreams coming true. I am so sick of feeling like my life is just so useless in comparison. It’s like I got on the right track there, I was headed for something good, and somehow got derailed. And now I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere with no sense of direction and no map.

The worst part is I don’t even know what I want anymore. I spent years convincing myself that I wanted to do CBC. That I wanted to be in radio. And when I got it… well, I felt like it was a dream come true… but then that faded. Maybe it was the change from current affairs to news. Maybe it was feeling so isolated from friends and family, I don’t know.

The truth is, I needed to leave Rankin Inlet. For personal reasons: I felt I needed to be closer to my family, I didn’t think I could make it through another winter, I balked at actually dealing face-to-face with the aftermath of an ended relationship in a small town.

And while I may have gotten some fairly positive and touching feedback when I left town, but I really don’t think I am or was ever cut out to be a reporter. I don’t know if I really told people this or not, but most mornings right around 9:15 – just before story meeting – I would get this terrible lump in my throat, and panic would wash over me. Sure, I had stories but I couldn’t do them. I don’t know if it was a lack of drive or falling into low expectations… or just not being cut out to do the job. It was like pulling teeth for me to put together a voicer.

But then, I look back on the time I spent with the CBC in Quebec City with such fondness. I say I would go back in a heartbeat. And that’s true, I think. But part of me is worried. Worried that the dread I felt just a month or two ago WASN’T because of where I was or the type of journalism I was doing. Maybe I’m not in the right profession. And if not, where the hell am I supposed to be doing? All along this seemed like the perfect fit: my writing combined with my personality and incessant curiousity. But if I was wrong, what direction should I be heading? Do I really have to start over? Where can I go and what can I do that will really and truly make me happy?

I just feel paralyzed right now, and I just don’t know where to go. I have sent out countless resumes and cover letters, all well written and proofed by my Human-Resources-department-employee mother. I’ve had no response from either the journalism or communications inquiries (and I’ve done previous PR work).

I’m sure all of this will not look near as doom-and-gloom in the morning as it does right now. While getting up at 5 to take pictures in “soft light” is all very well and good, I think it does leave me a bit cranky.

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4 Responses to “Them grapes are SOUR”

  1. Fawn Says:

    *hugs*

  2. Mongoose Says:

    “Where can I go and what can I do that will really and truly make me happy?”

    Nowhere. You have to make up your own mind to be happy – it doesn’t come from the outside. I think it’s also useful to realize that the “pursuit of happiness” is what makes us miserable. I gave up pursuing happiness and aimed for just a peaceful heart and mind. As a side effect, I seem to have become “happy” in a sense I can understand, though I suppose to most people I still sound pretty miserable. But I feel ok.

    I have many happiness-related quotes and I won’t bore you with them all but one of my favourites is “if you can’t have what you want, want what you have.”

    Oh, and I also think you’re at an age where most people feel they don’t have what they want. Even if they have what they thought they wanted, or what other people want.

  3. Megan Says:

    Big hugs.

  4. A. Says:

    Back in my 20s, I expressed similar confusion about my career path to my older sister. Much to my horror, she said that feeling never goes away. This is not what I wanted to hear from somebody who is eight years old and who I thought had everything figured out.

    That said, I was looking at the tagline of your blog and think that’s pretty much how life goes. I’m sure you’ll find exactly where you’re supposed to be when you least expect it.

    Good luck, girly!

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